


Bright Yellow Balloons

by Halsteadpd



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 07:56:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16081811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halsteadpd/pseuds/Halsteadpd





	1. Prologue

A/N: This story will deal with mature subject matter. This story is not for everyone. This story may be triggering. This warning is set for every chapter in this story.

Reader's discretion is VERY STRONGLY advised.

Special thanks to queseraone for editing and providing input/reactions.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very, very

Mad world, mad world

\- Mad World by Gary Jules

Everything was perfect.

No, it was beyond perfect. It was a life neither of them ever saw themselves living—yet secretly always wanted.

It had all changed sixteen years earlier. Sixteen years earlier when their baby boy—Shawn William Halstead—was born, pink cheeks and full of life. That's when life took a dramatic turn. Instead of focusing on themselves and their relationship, they needed to focus on a little boy that depended on them.

It was different. A good kind of different, but different. Both Erin and Jay had envisioned the kind of life they would want to give to their children—a life neither of them had. They would always be hands-on parents, being there for every milestone their children would have. They would support their children in whatever they wanted to do and would do anything in their power to help them achieve their goals.

So yes, life was perfect.

Until that day.

There was life before, and then there was life after. And the after was absolute hell.

So I've been writing this fic for a while and I have a lot of it done (explains why I don't update my other fics much) but I've been really hesitant to post. The main topic will be heavy (and likely disturbing to some) so any negative comments after this warning will result in forfeiture in this story. Thank you.


	2. The Watch His Father Wore

I totally forgot but glasgowgirl92 made me a playlist for this fic on Spotify! So go give it a follow at:

user/kittenkat92/playlist/59Frqw1epMbdyVwZDmYPH3

Special thanks to queseraone for editing :)

"Shawn! Come down for breakfast please, the bus will be here soon." Jay turned away from the stairs and made his way back to his wife in the kitchen, shaking his head. Recently mornings had become a hassle in the Halstead home. Sixteen-year-old Shawn was definitely not a morning person, just like his mother. He used to be an early riser—going for a run with his dad every morning they could—but for some reason, he started sleeping in until the last possible minute. "I swear, he's getting lazier by the day."

"Relax, he's a teenager. Sleeping in is probably the least of our worries. I mean, if he's anything like me…" Erin made a face as she turned away from the stove—plates of pancakes and fruit in each hand—walking over to her husband. Mornings were the one time Erin enjoyed, it was the only time everyone was present, for the most part.

About six years ago, Jay had been promoted to sergeant and took over Intelligence from Voight. The team stayed relatively the same, with only a couple of additions when Erin made her big move. Instead of working past the metal gate, Erin was leading her own team in the 21st District from the third floor. A new youth division was introduced recently and the commander heavily recruited Erin to lead it.

Shawn dropped his backpack on the floor in the kitchen before seating himself at the table next to his father.

"Morning, how'd you sleep?" Jay asked, as he turned his attention to his son.

"Fine." Shawn replied shortly before digging into his breakfast, wanting to avoid conversation so early in the morning.

"We haven't gone for a run in a while, maybe if I get home from work early tonight we could go?" Jay asked hopefully.

"I'm good. Wouldn't want to pull you away from work." Shawn retorted angrily as he looked down at his watch. It was the same watch his father wore, just in white. It had been a gift for his fourteenth birthday. "I gotta go." He quickly grabbed his lunch off the counter and his bag off the floor before rushing out the front door.

"You barely ate." Jay called out, sighing deeply as he heard the door slam. He placed his fork down next to his plate before looking up to meet his wife's eyes. "Did I do something to upset him?"

"No, you didn't." Erin said, interlocking her fingers with Jay's. "Like I said before, he's a teenager. This mood and attitude is normal. You should see some of the kids I get to work with."

The moment was interrupted by a text on Jay's phone. He reached into his pocket, turning on the screen as he read it over. He smiled sheepishly at his wife before standing up from his seat. "Sorry, I gotta go."

"Don't be sorry, it's work." Erin shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for the drama though." Jay kissed Erin before swiping his keys off the counter. "I'll hopefully see you at the district. Bye."

He hated this place.

He had begged his parents to move him to a new school, that he just didn't feel right where he was. It was a Halstead family tradition to go to the King of Cross Catholic Academy. Whenever his parents asked if he was having any problems at school, for some reason he could never tell the truth.

He felt ashamed.

The son of cops couldn't handle a few bullies.

Day after day he lived through their torment. Knocking his things off his desk in one class; teaming up against him in the locker rooms before gym class; and the worst part, lunch. Lunch, where he was ostracized for eating alone or reading a book in the library. Sometimes he just ate in the bathroom—away from the crowds—where nobody could see him.

This had been going on for months now. It started in the middle of his grade ten year, and when summer arrived he expected everyone to forget about it. But when September rolled around and he was a grade older, it continued.

The teachers seemed oblivious to it, or they didn't care. There was always something happening to him.

Shawn walked down the hallway towards his locker, keeping his head down. Yesterday, he was accused of staring at one of his bully's girlfriend and the bruise that stretched across the right side of his ribs was making it difficult for him to breathe deeply. He didn't want to make the same mistake again—he wasn't sure if his body could take it.

But no matter what he did, it was always the wrong move.

He had just put in the combination in his locker and opened it—only for it to be slammed shut again—narrowly missing his fingers.

"What's up, Halstead?"

"Fuck off, Bryant."

"Excuse me?" Bryant—Shawn's worst bully—narrowed his eyes at him. "Say it again." Bryant shoved Shawn's shoulder, causing him to fall down roughly onto the floor. The fight drew attention of the surrounding students in the hallway, everyone egging on the fight. A few other boys—Bryant's friends—joined him in kicking and punching Shawn as he tried his best to block their abuse.

Shawn only felt the kicks stop when he opened his eyes and noticed a couple of teachers pulling Bryant and his friends away from him. They were trying to calm the crowd down by sending students away to their classes—including Bryant.

He never got in trouble. It was because of those rich parents of his. He could probably spray paint a giant penis on the front windows of the school and the only thing the administrators would do is give him a stern look before calling someone to clean it up.

God, he hated Bryant.

If only there was a way that Shawn could make him back off. For good.

After a late night, Jay made his way into the house and noticed that the living room was illuminated by the TV. Erin waited up for him on most nights, especially when his case was rougher than others—she could never get to sleep without him on those nights. It was the same for himself and no matter how much he tried to reassure her that he would be okay, he knew that he could never ease her worries.

She smiled up at him when she noticed his presence in the room. Jay could see the metaphorical weight being lifted off her shoulders when she had spotted him. Ever since a patrolman in their district was shot and killed on a routine call, Erin had been more on edge and was always checking up on Jay. He obviously didn't mind, but he wished there was something he could do to calm her down a bit.

"Let's go to bed?" He offered tenderly, turning off the TV and extending a hand to help her up.

"You didn't eat dinner yet." Erin protested. "Let me reheat the leftovers for you?"

"Erin, I'm fine. Ruzek went out and grabbed dinner for the team. I just want to snuggle up in bed with my wife after a long day."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive." Jay led Erin towards the stairs and they started making their way up. "I'm just gonna check on Shawn and then I'll be right there." Jay stopped outside his son's bedroom, giving Erin a quick kiss before she turned away.

He knocked softly on the bedroom door before letting himself in. The bright yellow colour of the walls always pulled Jay's face into a smile—it was such a calming colour. Shawn was sitting at his desk and faced the door when he heard the squeak of the hinges as it opened.

"Hey." Shawn said as he saw who was at his door.

"Hey, can I sit?"

"Yeah, of course."

"How was school today?" Jay asked casually as he took a seat on his son's bed.

"The usual."

Jay nodded in reply, not knowing what else to say. It felt like his relationship with his son was deteriorating by the day and he didn't know how to fix it. Jay wasn't sure what he did wrong. All of Shawn's life he tried to be a supportive and loving father—the kind that he desperately craved growing up—but maybe he didn't do as well as he thought.

"I just wanted to tell you something. If I pissed you off in some way and I'm not aware of it, I'm sorry. If there's something bothering you and you feel like you can't approach me about it, I'm sorry about that too." Jay held eye contact with his son, trying to gauge his reaction to his words. "I love you and I'll support you with anything you want to do in your life. Always."

Shawn stared at his father with a look of guilt on his face. Nothing was his fault. It was that fucking school. Maybe telling him about the bullying wouldn't be so bad. What's the worst that could happen? Shawn opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He only managed to choke out a small 'yeah' and nodded his head simultaneously. In the pit of his stomach, he had a strange feeling. He didn't like that feeling, it felt like he was going to throw up. It was as if it was a sign. All he had to do was explain why he'd been so closed off recently and the feeling would go away.

But he couldn't.

"Don't stay up too long okay?" Jay squeezed Shawn's shoulder before making his way towards the door. "Sleep well, bud."

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you  
For a thousand years  
I'll love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Leave me a review!


	3. Report Cards

Okay, so a couple of you have told me the link to the playlist doesn't work and I didn't realize that the website would delete the words that don't have a space after a period!

So you gotta go to open. Spotify user/kittenkat92/playlist/59Frqw1epMbdyVwZDmYPH3

BUT PLEASE DELETE THE SPACES IN BETWEEN! It should work then :)

It was just his luck. Report cards were being sent home that day. He knew his average wasn't going to be good—his recent test scores would be to blame.

He was struggling and he needed help. He just didn't know how to ask.

Shawn sulked home—his backpack feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds. There was no doubt his parents knew that it was report card day—they got alerts in their email. He wasn't surprised to find the house empty and quiet as he walked across the threshold of the front door. Most days, his mom would be home around five, so he was usually alone for a couple of hours.

Wanting to avoid the inevitable, Shawn threw the envelope on the kitchen island where the rest of the mail was piled. Slowly, he trekked up the stairs and dropped his bag in his room before heading for the shower. As he undressed, he noticed newer bruises beginning to litter his chest and back, different shades of blues, purples and yellows all over. Although he kept them covered, it surprised Shawn that his parents had yet to notice. There was no doubt that he limped around the house sometimes and was out of breath after walking up the stairs most days. Maybe he was playing off his pain better than he thought.

He let the hot water rain down on his body, soothing his aches and pains. The water dripping from his short brown hair mixed with the tears flowing down his face. It felt like his pain was being washed away, only for more of it to settle into his body. He didn't know how much more he could take—he was tired of it all.

Hearing the front door open, Shawn quickly turned off the water and made his way out of the shower. Wiping the steam that had accumulated on the mirror, he noticed the red blotching on his face, making it obvious that he had been crying. He turned on the tap and splashed cold water on his face a few times, hoping that it would help.

"Shawn?" Erin knocked on the bathroom door. "Shawn are you in there?" She knocked again after receiving no answer.

"Yeah… yeah, What's up?" He called out, voice muffled from the door.

"Did you eat yet?"

"Uh, no. Not yet, why?"

"I just wanted to know if you wanted a snack or something?"

"Sure, I'll be out in a few minutes."

He quickly dried himself off and gave himself a once over—checking that he looked normal—before making his way out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen.

Luck was not on Shawn's side that day.

Jay made it home from work earlier than usual. He went through the pile of mail while Erin cooked dinner. His brows furrowed when he noticed the yellow envelope and opened it immediately. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Jay said as he flipped through the pages.

"What?" Erin turned from the stove to face her husband. "What's wrong?"

"Shawn's report card… did you see it?"

"No, I never got a chance to ask him about it." Erin approached Jay and took the papers from his hand, skimming over them. "What the hell?!"

"Shawn! Come down here please!" Jay called out, baffled from what he had just read.

Shawn's heart dropped into his stomach, immediately knowing why he was being summoned. He wasn't sure what he would be walking into—frustration, anger, disappointment—but regardless of that, he mostly feared the consequences. The last time he was grounded, his parents made him spend an entire weekend helping his Grandpa Hank tear apart and rebuild his deck.

When he turned into the kitchen, he spotted his dad standing with his hands on his hips, a blank look on his face. His mom stood nearby, looking absolutely dejected.

"Care to explain?" Jay said after a while, rage evident in his voice. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the island. He watched Shawn shrug his shoulders, continuing to stare at the floor. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Jay yelled out in frustration.

"Jay…" Erin warned as she shot a disapproving look towards him. Erin returned her attention to their son. "Honey, what happened?" Shawn didn't speak, he could only manage to look at his parents.

"You're failing EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS! How do you manage to do that?!" Gone was the loving father from the night before only to be replaced by an angry one. Jay tried to calm himself down but he knew his explosive anger could get the best of him sometimes. He had never raised his voice at Shawn before. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Have you been studying?" Erin asked, motioning for Shawn to sit down on one of the barstools. She knew at least one of them needed to stay level-headed for this conversation.

"Yes, Mom. I swear."

"Then what's wrong? Are you not sleeping properly? Is something wrong at school?" Erin worriedly surveyed her son's face, looking for any sign that he needed help. "Are you stressed?"

"Mom, no. I'm fine. It's just been tough, heavier workload and all."

"You're failing P.E. How? All you have to do is show up…" Jay said, his voice more relaxed than it was before. "Are you even showing up?"

"Yeah, I am." Shawn retorted angrily, his voice rising. "It really shows me how much you trust me when you're asking me that!" He quickly got up from his seat and walked out of the kitchen.

"Shawn, stop. I'm sorry." Jay called out feebly. He could already hear the teenager making his way up the stairs to his bedroom before he heard the door slam.

Jay and Erin looked at each other and listened to the charged silence surrounding their home. It was usually filled with laughter and joy but lately things had been tense. They hardly ever fought, and when they did, fights were resolved within the hour. It was a foreign feeling to them.

Whatever had changed recently needed to be fixed.

Everything in his life was falling apart.

His grades were slipping, his relationship with his parents was strained, and god, his body hurt like hell.

After slamming and locking his bedroom door, Shawn made his way to his desk and pulled out a notepad and pen. He had thought about doing this long ago, but he held onto hope that it would get better someday.

He was just being naive.

He stared at the lined paper, not knowing what to write. There were a million things that he could say, but he decided to go with something short and simple. Just as he scribbled out his message, he heard a soft knock on his door.

"Shawn?" His father called out softly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled." Jay waited to hear something—anything—from the other side of the door but was saddened to hear nothing. "Can you open the door?"

"No."

"At least come and eat dinner. Please." Jay begged.

"I'm not hungry."

"Are you sure?" Jay asked, hoping that Shawn would change his mind.

"Yes."

"We'll put a plate in the fridge for you if you get hungry later, okay?" All Jay got was a grunt in response before he turned away from the door, unaware of the turmoil happening on the other side.

After the final bell on Monday, Shawn stuffed all of his notebooks and textbooks into his bag. He ripped off all the pictures and articles he had taped to his locker door and left it open for everyone to see the emptiness.

His backpack evidently weighed him down on his way home so he arrived later than usual. Erin was there to greet him and ask about his day, only to get short answers in reply. They hadn't seen much of Shawn that weekend—he would sneak out of his room long after both of them had gone to sleep to get food and water, even though Erin had offered to make him some of his favourite foods.

"You look like you've got a lot of homework." Erin said nonchalantly as she noticed her son struggling with his bag.

"Yeah, well my parents think I'm a failure so I guess I should make it more obvious that I actually do go to class and study."

"We don't think you're a failure, Shawn." Erin sighed as she turned her full attention to him.

"Yeah? You might wanna make sure Dad understands that." He replied coldly. "I've got a lot of homework. I'll eat dinner when I get the time." Shawn didn't wait for a reply as he made his way to his room, and closed the door behind him, dumping his books on the floor.

He looked towards his desk where his notepad was safely stored under other books—a place where his parents wouldn't look without his permission. He was lucky that they respected his privacy. They were too busy with work to pay much attention to what he did anyway. He was a good kid, they knew that.

Maybe he would've been better off if he hadn't been so aloof about everything that was happening.

Whatever, it was too late for thoughts like that now.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me,

Son, fear is the heart of love, so I never went back

\- I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie

If you haven't realized, the big event takes place next chapter. Leave me a review please.


	4. Skittles And Razor Blades

Massive trigger warning. Read at your discretion.

X

The next morning, Shawn got ready for school as he usually did. He put on his uniform and strapped his watch to his wrist before grabbing his bag and heading down to the kitchen to get his lunch.

"Don't you need to take all those books back to school with you?" Erin asked as she noticed her son carrying what seemed like an empty backpack.

"Nope."

"Okay…" Erin drew out the word. "Do you have everything that you need for the day?"

"Yup."

"Is everything okay?" Erin approached Shawn but before she could get close to him, he was already running to the door. "What about breakfast?!"

"I'm not hungry, I gotta go." Shawn slammed the door behind him before Erin could question him further.

"Did Shawn leave already?" Jay asked as he made his way down the stairs, fresh out of the shower.

"Yeah, he didn't even eat breakfast, said he wasn't hungry." Erin replied with a hint of worry in her voice.

"He left early… did he remember to take his lunch?" Jay commented as he eyed the time. It was unusual for Shawn to be ready to leave the house on time, let alone early.

"He snatched it off the counter quickly before running out of here." Erin replied as she chewed on her bottom lip.

"Hey, don't worry. We'll have a talk with him." Jay soothed, sighing deeply as he got a text message. "I'll see you after work." He placed a quick kiss on his wife's lips before heading to the garage door and answering the text simultaneously.

Instead of walking to his bus stop around the corner, Shawn continued to walk. He walked past all the other houses in his suburban neighbourhood and headed deeper into the city. Sneaking into an alley, he waited until the streets cleared of office workers making their commute downtown and school buses that could identify him as a student at his school.

Behind a dumpster, he changed out of his uniform into street clothes—blending in with the rest of the world. He didn't know how he was going to pass time in the day. Maybe he could go to the mall or sneak back home. He just needed to avoid places where he could be recognized. He couldn't afford to get into any more trouble.

Closer to the time that Shawn was due home, he walked into a random drugstore. As he was buying Skittles, he managed to snatch a package of razor blades. He learned how to make himself blend in with the crowd and act natural—as the son of two cops, it was second nature to him.

As he paid for the candy, he slipped the package of razor blades up his sleeve. He made sure to be aware of everyone around him, checking that nobody was watching him. He left the store quickly—stuffing his change and the receipt into his pocket—and ran down the street before pulling the sharp pieces of metal from his sleeve. He inspected it through the package and ran his finger along the sharp edge. The plastic protected his skin from being sliced open.

For now.

He just needed to get home and hide them in his room without his parents snooping or asking questions about why he was so jumpy. He could tell his hands had been shaking during the day and doing anything abnormal in front of them would surely tip them off—they were trained to watch for that.

He followed his regular after-school schedule and managed to have a snack before his mom got home. Hunger wasn't something he felt often anymore—the stresses of his life kept his appetite suppressed and he would only realize of the lack of food in his body when the acid in his stomach started to burn. Sitting down in front of the TV, he mindlessly changed the channels, looking for something to watch. Just as he settled on an episode of his favourite TV show, Erin walked through the door.

"Hey." She kissed his forehead as his eyes stayed glued to the screen. "How was school?"

"Good."

"I gotta get started on dinner, I thought I'd make your favourite?" She asked hopefully. It had been a while since she had seen a smile on his face. "Then maybe after we could just chill for a bit? Together?"

"Yeah, sounds perfect. Thanks, Mom."

"Just let me know if you need anything."

His room was spotless, there wasn't even a speck of dust on any of his furniture; his desk was organized and everything in his closet was draped over hangers nicely.

Dad will be proud.

After dinner, Shawn knew his mom had gone to bed early that night. She had a long week and gave him and hug and kiss goodnight before turning in. His dad was due home any minute—he was working a big case with the FBI and had been coming home at around midnight every day for the past month.

Shawn opened his bedroom door quietly and peeked down the hall, wanting to make sure his mom was asleep. There was no noise coming from the bedroom so he quietly closed his door and made his way over to his bed. He reclined against his pillows and tucked his legs in with the blanket before reaching into his nightstand, pulling out the shiny piece of metal. He inspected it just as he did earlier in the day, only this time he ripped open the packaging to feel the cool metal against his fingers. He flipped it over in his hand a couple of times before running his finger over the edge. He felt the stinging on his nerves as blood immediately pooled and ran down his fingertip.

Taking a deep breath, he didn't think twice before pushing the blade into his inner wrist on his left arm, before repeating the action on his right.

He couldn't describe the pain. It was like a mixture of burning and cooling. He felt relief as he watched the red liquid pour down his forearms—like his internal pain was literally pouring out of him. Shawn's vision began to get spotty and it was getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open. When his eyelids got too heavy, he stopped fighting. His eyes only fluttered open one last time as he heard the garage door open.

Exhaustion was an understatement of how Jay felt. This case was kicking his ass and he wasn't sure if he even had enough energy to make it to his bed. He locked the car door and made his way into the house, double checking that he closed the garage.

It was dark. He knew Erin would've gone to bed without him tonight, the youth division had their own major case this week and she barely got any sleep. Slowly, Jay made his way up the stairs and towards his bedroom.

He stopped outside of Shawn's bedroom, debating on whether or not to check in on him. The light was diffracting from under the door—no doubt that he was still awake—but Jay honestly didn't have the motivation to strike up a conversation with him this late in the night.

His bed was calling his name.

He'd just have to see Shawn in the morning at breakfast.

He dropped his hand from the doorknob and quietly made his way into his own bedroom, closing the door behind himself gently.

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

'Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die as a happy man I'm sure

\- All I Want by Kodaline


End file.
